San Diego

San Diego was amazing! I got to spend one week there to film a wedding, spend my birthday, spend Michael's birthday, and relax. It was one amazing trip. The wedding (Caleb and Amy) was gorgeous. Mike and I did photography as a team and it went soooo smooth. I will upload pics soon! We beached it just about every day, explored and ate great food. Here are some pics of the trip :)

My Birthday :)

Hello hello, it is my 22nd birthday today! AHH THE BIG 2-2. lol jk..I don't feel any different. 


 Right now I am awake just watching "Super Bad" so so funny. I just want to say I really wish I was back home in Washington with all my friends and family. I am normally able to see my mom and my big bro but this year is way diff. Just thinking back to last year and how my brother and mom took me out for my 21st at midnight down South. Then the next day my bro and I got a hotel and went out in Bham. It was amazing. Nothing will ever top that birthday BUT I also want to say how blessed I am to be here in San Diego! I am having the time of my life. Visiting with Michael and meeting so many new people. Mike and I have plans tomorrow to have a yummy breakfast,go to Ocean Beach to get me a mani and a pedi, do some shopping, have lunch, then head to La Jolla (so far my fav beach spot) and be beach bums all day, after that we will go back to where we are staying, get ready, then head out for sushi (Las Vegas Rolls mmm mm mm), and then have a night out on the town! Should be a great birthday. So thankful that Mike and I are here together and got to experience all the things we have this passed week. It was his bday on the 25th. So tomorrow we will celebrate for the both of us. I also have a buddy here in San Diego that is from WA. So he wants to come along as well. Hopefully the girl we are staying with (Kristy) will make it too :D ! The next day I leave for Alaska and will be there until the end of September :) I can't wait to head back to Skagway and see all my pals there and celebrate my bday (hehehe) Anyways just writing some thoughts. Happy Birthday to me :) Im so used to being spoiled by my mom and brother so it is a lot different! Im not lonely, but kinda lonely. Just missing my bro, mom, fam, and friends. Anyways I love you all and can't wait to see you in the future! BIG LOVE <3

New buddies :)

Hello friends :) Just thought I would go ahead and give you all a little update. Life in Skagway has been amazing. Making friends and meeting people more and more everyday. I have noticed I have been having a lot more fun these days. Oh and of course the work life is ...Well it's work, and that is going great as well. I have been in Skagway since May 2nd and have been getting closer to some people and I just wanted to share with you a little bit about them :)

-Friends-

 I have become pretty close with my roommate Taylor. She is pretty much my main gal. When we aren't working we are out and about together doing something fun. We like to go to the Red Onion (a bar/restaurant), Bonanza Bar and Grill, make food, drink hot co co, maybe go grocery shopping (usually that is hilarious), spend our money, be lazy, talk, explore, hang with other roomies/friends, pretty much anything. When we are in lazy mode we lay in our beds and take turns listening to tunes. If we are REALLLLLLY bored sometimes one of us will be working and the other is off and we literally will join each other on a bus ride over to the wash pad to clean the bus just so we can talk lol. Sad..But true. Now.. I don't like to gossip what so ever. BUT when I am with Tay I sometimes feel is is necessary to spill the beans haha..So we may just talk about somethings that are currently happening :P .We are like two pees in a pod ;) Haha..We can get pretty crazy together. I would say she is outgoing but is from Arizona so she doesn't take kindly to COLD weather. So I am usually begging her to ride a bike or walk somewhere. But if we have a ride she is game for anything. So like I said..We can get a little crazy. Dance nights, drinks, bon fires, etc. She is my go to girl. As well is my crazy side.Now although this girl drinks a few beers she actually has never been drunk. Which is totally awesome! But most of us would like to accomplish getting her a little tipsy and have her first time be in Skagway ;) ..We have a few months, so we will see how it goes ;). Anywho I could go on and on about this little lady but I will save it for later! 

This is Tay :)

I also have another buddy that I have become close to and her name is Nicol. I would like to say she is the chillest of the chill. I guess you could say she is my mellow slash outdoorsy side. It is so relax when I am with her. We go on hikes, go jogging, camp, talk about life and of course what is goin on in Skagway, party, dance, laugh, love, and live. It is very nice to meet someone in this town that doesn't talk about every single person. I mean don't get me wrong, she does when she is with me :P but she is someone you can trust. I actually trust her and know that whatever I say will not go anywhere but her. Now although I haven't got to hang with her as much as I would like to, we still have hung out a ton. She is a dock rep. So she lives in a diff. house and has diff. hours. But when we hang out it is such a blast!

This is Nicol :)

So those are my two main chicks. Now for the other homies :) !

First off we have Jess. Jess is the man! He is one of my roomies and I def. enjoy talking to him. He cracks me up. You could say he is well put together but probably has a side of him that people haven't seen yet..Still waiting haha.. Just kidding. He is awesome and really easy to get along with! Always down to do something. He is a helicopter pilot when he isn't driving bus.  Very down to earth, tell it like it is, no bs. But even if he isn't down with you, he is still the sweetest guy ever. He would never want to put anyone down. Super chill :)

This is Jess :)

Next we have Jake Brog. Jake is a total "bro", but I mean that in a nice way! He is hilarious. Always wearing a bro tank that says "Get it how you live it" .Hahaha always screaming out "CHEA CHEA" . He is awesome and always down to have good times. Also very into being healthy and his fitness. I love Jake because he is def. himself and if you were to judge a book by it's cover you would see him as a total tool! But when you talk to him one on one you come to find out he is very smart and is a very sweet guy! He actually lives in Bham (where I am from) and told Mike and I about the job in Skagway. So it feels nice to have someone you kinda can relate to. 

This is Jake :)

Then there is Trent. Oh how to describe such a character.. Trent is someone you would think is VERY professional, kind of a square, and would not be into hanging out what so ever. Trent is actually our boss. So he wears these super fly outfits everyday all professional and what not BUT come to find out this guy ends up having a full arm sleeve and is a pretty kick ass dude. He throws bon fires from time to time, takes us on some rad camping trips, and is always super helpful and sweet if your in need :) . I have  been able to hang out with him a bunch and he is a total nerd! He enjoys his old school punky music (but also some really sweet music as well), magic cards (yes I am for real) , some intense computer game, climbing, speaking Japanese, and lots more .A quick little story : He took a few of us on a climbing trip once and I had nevvvver climbed outside as well as it had been since I was a teenager to even climb. I was sooo scared. It took me so many times to even trust myself to make it up and he pushed my ass to make it to the top, which was awesome :) . Also repelling off a cliff.. It took me about 7 min to convince myself to drop off the cliff, but he def. made me do it and I was sooo stoked that I did :) So all in all this kid is awesome. Oh ANDDD  just to put it out there... I found the full album of Justin Bieber on his itunes. Bahaha..Anywhoo Trent is rad and always down to hang out with us. So that makes him one kick ass guy.

This is Trent :)

Nel Tron.. Ok so I haven't got to get to know him very much yet but I am realizing he is pretty hilarious. Always talking about how he wants to be doing the wrong things, ALWAYS hitting on chicks, and always down to have a great time. SOOOO funny! His name is Dallin but he goes by Nel Tron. He plays the drums, acoustic guitar, and can sing! Super legit. So far the vibe I get from him is great :) Dallin is a funny funny guy, always is going cock eyed, listens to dub step, wears super tight pants, and can get suppppper crabby if he is hungry. 

This is Dallin :)

Then there is William Banks the third :)... Will is one of my roommates. He is the sweetest but also the loudest guy here, and makes the best voices. He is 25, Mormon, and is ALWAYSSS doing something outdoors. Will is great :) and sometimes he will come up to my room when I am laying there being a bum and just chat about whatever. It is nice to have someone like Will around to make you laugh or just talk about your day with :)

This is Will :)

Now we can't forget Charlie! (Imagine me saying this in a British accent) For those of you that have not seen the "Charlie bit my finger" vid on youtube.com I recommend checking it out. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM

Anywho Charlie is the man! He is sooooo chill. Never a dull moment without his guy. I have got to hang out with him more then enough times to come to realize he is just a all around rad person. Always so nice and always so happy. He tells it like it is and usually is trying to find people that like to do the same things as him. He is a dock rep but when he isn't working you will find a beer in his hand and him looking to see what everyone else is up to :)

This is Charlie :)

Next up is Dallin S...Dallin is a super sweet guy! So far I have got to hang out with him whenever he is in town and he is just great :) . He does highway driving so he is usually gone for a week then comes back to Skagway for a few days. He is Mormon as well but is ALWAYS wanting to go do stuff with everyone, which is awesome. It is really rad to see someone who doesn't drink want to come party with all of us. Dallin is very put together, has just about every Nixon watch there is, and is always smiling :) ! He tells the greatest stories about his week away as well as gives great information about the area and what there is to do. Always giving me great ideas for things to do on my day off :) Dallin is awesome.

This is Dallin :)

Last but not least there is Tony. Now I can truly say Tony is the sweetest of the sweets. This guy is so loyal to his faith and does everything by the book. He is always looking out for people and is SO SO healthy. You usually can find him working out, doing something outdoors, eating something awesome lol, not drinking, playing acoustic guitar, headed to church, or doing anything and everything that is good for the soul :) . I look up to him and believe that he is going places in life and will go far. I wish I were able to hang out with him more but he does his own thing. Tony is an all around great guy.

This is Tony :)

Now I know I have not mentioned a ton of AMAZING people but I just wanted to share the people I have been hangin out with the most :) . So here is a shout out to all of the other great peeps here in Skagway! I've got mad love for you all! Skagway is becoming home for the summer and I am loving every minute of it!

xoxo

<3

Grieve

just writing some thoughts..

It is crazy how you can't predict anything that is going to happen. Don't you wish you could though?

Saturday October 31st. I had a great weekend. Talked to my brother that Saturday about how he was going to have a Halloween party that Sunday and how I couldn't make it because I had school the next day. (Damn, don't you just wish you could take certain things back.)We were planning on having my boyfriend take pics of us together for moms Christmas present..I remember him say super quick at the end of our conversation "HEY! I love you sis" ..and I quickly responded "Love you too bro talk to you soon. " 

November 1st, 2010. It was Monday, the day after Halloween. I had beauty school that day 8-6:30pm and after wards I was meeting up with my aunts boyfriend Dan to cut his hair. While putting my things away in Dan's truck he offered to go to have a steak over at Draft Pic's Sports Bar & Grill. So there we went...

Dinner: Chit chattin away about life, and I hear my phone beep as if I missed a call. I ignored the noise because I didn't want to be rude and grab my phone in the middle of dinner. Soon enough I hear it go off again ...and again..and again. Multiple missed phone calls from my Cousin Chris and my mom. My heart drops. Instantly I think and say out loud "I hope everyone is ok, gosh I hope my bro is ok, he had a Halloween party last night." Christopher was the last that called so I call him back. "CHRIS WHATS UP WHATS GOIN ON?" "Lish, you need to call your mom.. (he is holding something in and I can sense this isn't good) " Whats goin on man? Is everything ok? " Just call your mom, I can't say Lish, just call your mom." "Christopher what happened, whats this about?" " I can't say Lish just call your mom" "Come on Chris whats going on?" "Ahhhh it's about your bro, call your mom" "Ok, I love you" "Love you too." 


I already feel as if every part of me is being broken. I feel scared, I feel anxiety,I feel as if I just might faint, possibly lose my breathe, I feel shaky, I feel so scared....I'm freaking out...I am...So scared.


*Calling mom*She picks up.. "LISHAAAA!!!" (My mom is balling) "Whats happening mom whats going on wheres Tony??" "I DONT KNOW THEY ARE SAYING HE'S DEAD LISHA PLEASE COME HERE NOW!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO"

 My heart drops

... "MOM WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HEARD HE'S DEAD, MOM WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!!" *I run out of the bar..I have no car. because I rode to school with a friend.No idea who to call..What to do..How to get to my mom as fast as I can.* "MOM IM COMING, IM COMING OK, I LOVE YOU, JUST BREATHE I WILL BE THERE AS FAST AS I CAN." "CALL YOUR AUNTY LISHA AND COME HERE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DON'T KNOW WHATS GOING ON!!" " IM COMING MOM, AHHH I DON'T KNOW WHATS GOING ON!? I'M ON MY WAY!"

 I feel so empty..

I am so unsure to what has happended, all I know is that my brother "might" be dead. How in the heck can  I hear that and not know what is going on. How can someone not know? Why hasn't anyone told me? When did this happen? What in the FUCK is going on? All I know is I need to be there for my mom, I need to make it to her.

Dan then runs out from the bar "Omg, Omg, Omg, lets go, come on, we are meeting your aunt and she is going to take you to your mom, lets go!"

While he is driving I cry..I can not stop thinking..I can not stop thinking as to what in the heck happened. Who can I call to find out?? What do I do? I immediately just call my brother.. I call Tony..His phone rings..But no one answers :( . Who do I call?

HIS ROOMATES. Of course I could call them, but why haven't they called us? 

*Calling one of his roommates* No one answers. *Call again* No one answers. * Call again* I leave a voice mail..He probably couldn't even understand what I was saying because I could barley breath. * Call again* He answers. (Now as much as I want to write what was being said and what  his side of the story was I will not.) But in a nutshell my brothers roommate tells me that my brother is gone. 

FUCK

I'm dying inside. It feels as if someone took my heart and ripped it out. Breathless. Like as if it were not real. All I could think of is maybe that it's not true, maybe hes in the hospital,maybe he is somewhere else. He isn't dead.

I then meet up with my Aunt Lisa and head down south to my moms work. Once we get to the large parking lot I see two detectives and my mom being surrounded by her coworkers just giving her mass amounts of love. Gosh, to see my moms first glance at me killed me inside. As if I had already knew what was going to happen. I get out of the car and just hold her. Tears roll down my face but I now know.. It is time to be strong. Not only be strong for myself...But for my mom. It was almost as if I transformed into wanting to curl in a ball to standing tall and playing a roll of some super women chick. As if I put my guard up and ignored my feelings to be there for her and whoever else I was going to have to be there for. 

The two detectives speak to me and let me know the situation..All I can do is hold back my tears and tell them thank you. I'm angry. Why didn't anyone tell us? Why did we have to find out multiple hours later? Gosh I am broken inside. My moms co-workers come back and give her more love. I just want to run away. So I then ask if they can show me where the bathroom is.  I didn't even need to use the bathroom., just needed somewhere to be by myself and think. I stood in the bathroom looking at the white walls for about ten minutes just crying...so blank...so annoyed..so angry..so mad..so sad...so hurt..Then I looked in the mirror. I'm a mess. All I could think to  myself was "Wow, this is what you look like when you find out your brother is gone." I hated what I looked like with that kind of sadness on my face. I recoup, and head back outside. I start walking towards my mom and everyone, but everyone is balling there eyes out and saying how sorry they were. So I keep walking..I walk until the path leads me around the corner and to a spot where I can just sit and cry by myself. It's freezing on the pavement but I don't even care. I just keep asking myself "why?" ...I ask my brother "why?" I cry out loud "why?" 


My aunt drove my mom home and I drove my moms car by myself...I had to be alone. The drive home was the same thing..Why?  Yelling and screaming to him..WHY? My mind started to think about all of the ways you can bring someone back to life. If I could just do this or that to bring him back. Wondering if I would have been there would it have happened. My mind races...Screaming the f word..crying..just so confused.


LIFE.




It is so precious..From then on I realized it is time to be strong for my mother and it is time to step up. From then on I had to take charge and do as much as I could for her.I miss him so much. That very night we began the planning..

What do we do, where do we start? Funeral homes? Burial, memorial, cremation? Who is coming? How do we spread the word? Why do I even want to spread the word :( ? How do we get a hold of his closest friends that are in different states? Flowers? Cards? Dvd's? Music? AHHH, so much to do.. Just want to cry and curl into a little ball and never wake up. But I need to just do it.

Everything went so fast..It was one of the craziest times in my life and I wish it never happened. I miss him so much. My family didn't let me be alone for about two weeks straight. It was so hard. All I wanted to do was drive as fast as I could and run away for a bit, ya know? Do you ever get that feeling? But once everyone was gone and I actually was by myself for the first time.. I felt a silence. As if my adrenaline had been going and going and going and then it just stopped. SILENCE.The words that I kept thinking to myself were "WOW, I made it." It was like one crazy movie. I kept playing everything through my head and it felt like a movie. Although movies aren't real..and this was. This was life. After all of this I promised my mom I would not drink a sip of alcohol for one month (she wanted me to never drink again of course) but one month for me was as good as it got. Not saying I am an alcoholic but I definitely drink. But I knew if I drank..It wasn't going to be good. When you are grieving I would think that is the last thing you should do. Already feeling like you don't want to be alive when your sober imagine that when you are drinking. My heart aches for my bro. My heart aches for my mother. My heart aches for his friends and family. My heart aches because I lost the closest thing to me. I am so happy that I got to know him for 21 years. It has always been my ma, him, and I. A tripod.

Now although I promised my mom that I wouldn't drink for a month I ended up not drinking for a very long time (and for me, that is great). I had no feeling or urge to. Not because of my bro, but because for the first time I had felt healthy. I knew I had to change somethings and that is when it all began. I became a peskitarian (only eating seafood for meats), no more going out to eat (if I did it was pho *love me some pho*, cooking better meals, more stretching, taking life as if it was your last day to live kind of thing, being a all around better person. I tried getting in touch with God. For a while there I was very optimistic about who this God is. I was raised to believe, that is what my family was about. Growing up going to church 24/7. Later on my life changed when my grandma (a missionary) left. I stopped going to church, but still had my mom to always show me the ways of the bible. As I grew older of course you get those questions. Now I am not saying I never believed in him, I am just saying I was unsure. So when people would ask I would say "I believe in my own God. I believe there is a high and a low and I have def. felt both. I believe in energy and we all know there is something out there." I still feel that way today but once my bro passed I started to feel a better connection with this "GOD". As if I could hear him in the back of my head telling me what to do next. He became my second voice almost. So when I would feel low I started to pray. One of those days came and let me tell you.. I was wanting to die, I was scared. My brother not being there anymore hurt me so much that I didn't even want to be here. But I didn't want to scare anyone because I know it is something I would never do but it was just the feelings becoming overwhelming. Then, in the back of my head there came that second voice..Telling me to grab the bible and open it up to a page, any page. So I did.. And it was the page of when God is coming back to take his people.. Not sure exactly but something along those lines. But it made me stop crying instantly. I realized I need to go on with life. To kind of stop slumming around and do something about it. Ok so my brother died. What am I going to do about it? Ok so I want to die. What am I going to do about it? Ok so Im scared. What am I going to do about it? Ok so... FUCK IT. I realized I am not going to sit around anymore and waste this precious time I have here in the world. Life is what you make it. Life is what you do with it. What you can accomplish. What makes you happy is what you need to be doing. No longer will I live just to live.. I will live on and live for my bro as well. Time to do things that I want to do. Not anyone else. Time to live for me. Not being selfish just trying things a different way this time. It was almost like I was being given a second chance. Even though I had not died, but it sure felt like it.

So a month later I went back to school 30 hours a week, worked full time, and decided I was going to find something to do next. So I searched and searched for things to do over the summer. I was thinking maybe park service. Maybe try to get a job in Montana at Glacier National Park. I really wanted to just run away, ya know? Then a boy named Jake ended up telling my boyfriend and I about a place called Skagway and how he drives buses over there in the summer time.  Hmm..

We discussed this bus driving stuff and thought we would just give it a shot and apply. Well then we had heard of the company having a little set up over at Western. My boyfriend ended up getting a call and setting up a interview. But what about me? I didn't get the call.. So I decided to just go there and introduce myself :) Why not, eh? When we got there Mike went to his interview and a man asked if I wanted to go ahead and do the same. Of course :) . I had felt like it went very well and then we were on our way. Headed to Mt. Baker for half day, get a little snowboarding action in :) Check my phone when the day is over and I had a few voicemails. One was a guy saying to go ahead and set up and interview (which I already had) and the other saying that they wanted me to join the team. HOLY SHIT. This was my chance to leave and be free. Only problem was...My boy didn't get the call :( . But what did I tell myself? It is time to live for me, right? Ugh...Life...So tough sometimes..Well we discussed things and I ended up goin for the gold and taking the job. You have to do what you have to do sometimes and this was just the beginning for me.

Time went on and I ended up seeing a counselor (which helped so much), graduating cosmetology school, took my state boards, got my cosmetology license, work work work, and began my CDL training... Holy shit. Who would have ever thought..Me? Drive a bus? You only live once right?

Gosh, my last day at school was nuts.. Felt so good because it was as if I would think about my bro constantly.. Sometimes I would have to leave class to go cry in the bathroom. Sometimes I would have to just talk it out with a buddy or something. I def. didn't want to be in public when I was so sad. Hard to put on a front. But I did it. Getting in my car and all I could do was cry. So happy, so FREAKING happy. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCKKK YOU! I DID IT. Saying that to whoever doubted me. Talking to my bro.. I did it Tone. Thanking God. I could't stop playing some nikki manaj song called "for life"  The drive back to Bellingham.. just crying.. All I could think is "damn" I did it. I miss you so much Tony.

Anyways.. Shit was weak. So many tough times but I made it. I am proud to say I ended up getting my cdl over months and I am now in Skagway, Alaska. Livin life :) ... For me.

It has taken me since November 1st. to write and finish this blog. Every time I started to type, I had to stop. I would get all choked up... It is still hard for me to talk about my bro. I know I need to. But is hard for me. This feels good to finish though, that is a start.

I know I need to get in touch with God a little more, something I lack. My time will come. I know I believe in something great so I think I will be ok. Besides that I have been living life for me, having great times, getting to see how I live life with out family being a half hour away haha, and SO SO much more.


I love you Anthony Alan Jefferson. You will always be loved and missed. Family is forever bro. <3

 

Skags

Hello hello, I know I don't keep up with this blog thing (it is a little tough, not gonna lie) BUT I have been enjoying myself! Been taking mass pics and meeting new cats. It is great. Although sometimes it is tough with the loss of my bro,being away from my mom, and home but I have been trying my best to stay up and positive. Alaska is crazy. If I am not working I am outside doing something, and that is how I like it ;) . If I am not outside I am in my bedroom being lazy with my roomy Tay Tay. Lets see here...The Skagway life for me goes a little something like this:


Work- Wake up pretty early get ready and wear these lame little outfits (name tag and all) and head to the driver room and update this log book we have. We literally log every time we are on duty not driving, driving, off duty, what bus we are using, what we are doing, where we are, starting/ending mileage, and a few more things. Grab a "DVIR" Driving Vehicle Inspection Report which has all of the things we need to be checking before we take these bad boys out on the road, and by bad boys I mean buses. Soooo funny that I am driving a bus! 


Pre-trip-
Ok so in a nutshell we check every single thing on the bus that we possibly can. Make sure that it is safe and ready to be rolling. Usually you can get this done in 20 min but you have to give yourself more time because something could go wrong.


Tour- After all of the pre-trip and what not we roll on over to the dock that we are scheduled for. Wait there (we call that staging) and once the dock reps call us over (on the radio) we go over and park and wait for our guests. Once we have everyone on the bus we head out. It was a little weird the first few times but now everything seems pretty right. If you really think about it these people pay you just to tell them about the town and drive. Soooo sick. My favorite so far is the Yukon. It is about an eight hour tour. You see the best scenery, get out of Skagway, most likely see some bears, and get to hang out longer with your guests. Some others consist of going up to Fraser, BC to put the folks on the train..Others are in town or out to Liarsville for a salmon bake.




By the end of the day you feel very disgusting and have to go to the wash pad and get your bus washed, fueled, and clean the inside. By that point you feel even more gross, not gonna lie. The reason is because you are tired and have been sitting in a bus "all damn day" . Haha yeah.. 


BUT.. I can't complain! It is amazing! You are getting paid to drive around and talk about some sweet sweet history. What I can say is I want to know more! More about the geology and why certain things are the way they are. Like the Caribou and bears, etc. Just need to study up I suppose, do some research.




LIFE-


Now when I am not working.. Lets just say Skagway is a very small town but filled with some crazy crazy good times and people. We all like to go camping, have fires, go dancing, hiking, walk around, watch your roommates do crazy things like float the river, ride bikes, and pretty much anything we want to do. It is almost like we are all getting to know each other now and becoming one big crazy family haha. Well...Not exactly but you get my drift ;)


Here are a few pics :) I promise I will start blogging more, mucho lovins friends!

<3